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My Favourite Planet > Blogs > Edwin Drood's Column > January 2012
back Edwin Drood's Column
10 January 2012
Killing them less than softly ...
In which Edwin displays all his pent-up hatred of his adopted country in a paean of praise for Danny Wind’s recently banned (but now re-issued) book “Let’s kill all the Belgians”, accepting it as a noble manifesto and a clarion call to arms worthy of the very worst of doggerel.
An American author, Danny Wind, in a clear stylistic reference to Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal”, but without the degrees of irony typical of that far greater satire, recently wrote a book entitled Let’s kill all the Belgians: a child’s guide to genocide.

It would seem that the Belgians have only been pretending to weakness and an almost total incapacity to govern themselves. In truth they have been planning a psycho-saccharin blitzkrieg for decades.

What the Belgians failed to achieve with their Mercator projection and its feeble attempts to make their tiny country look bigger, they will finally accomplish by dint of sucking American kids’ brains out once the latter have been reduced to sugar-saturated imbecility by a surfeit of waffles (as if that hadn’t already happened).

Danny Wind is convinced that the waffle will be the main Belgian weapon of subjugation, closely followed by sprouts, beer and chocolate. I suppose the original plan involving Kim Clijsters, Justine Henin and a burst of Beethoven’s 9th narrowly missed total world domination. Like Mr Wind, this author is also concerned about the seriousness of the Belgian threat to ‘world peace’ (whatever that is) and feels that necessary steps must be taken. Desperate situations call forth desperate measures.

In support, and despite some niggling concerns about the ethical correctness of eliminating Van-Eyck, Rubens, Rops, Delvaux, Folon, Spilliaert, Audrey Hepburn and the internal combustion engine, I would like to offer the burgeoning Belgian genocide movement an anthem, albeit a rather ragged one, to cheer their spirits and help them overcome any initial squeamishness.

Manneken Pis, Brussels, Belgium at the Mysterious Edwin Drood's Column

mouse over
So, without more ado, here it is:

“Death to all Belgians” *

Oh, let’s kill all the Belgians
If that is what it takes
To free the world of waffles,
Witloof, sprouts and inline skates

Yes, do let’s kill the Belgians
Who needs Brel anyway
Magritte or Maigret, Tintin,
Audrey Hepburn or Solvay?

Let’s kill the Belgians slowly
By rendering them for fat
Their girls beat ours at tennis
And we can’t forgive them that

We should kill all the Belgians
And not wait another year
They pee on public buildings!
They mix cherries with their beer!

Ah, let’s kill all the Belgians
We needn’t stop to think
Just wave goodbye to Bakelite
And saxophones and zinc

A good Belgian’s a dead Belgian
Let’s all be sure of that
They drown their “frites” in mayonnaise
And their country’s far too flat

Jawohl, destroy the Belgians!
Firestorm Bruges and Gent
With a conscience clear as crystal
We’ll have no need to repent

For, if you kill the Belgians
Why, what is there to forgive?
They loosed the Smurfs upon us
How can we let them live?

*   In observance of Commandment 13a, paragraph 7
of the Codex Droodicorum, in which it clearly states:

“Thou shalt kill all the Belgians
Save thy neighbour, spouse and friend
(Where a few kilos of chocolate
For exceptions might amend)”

© Edwin Drood, January 2012

Danny Wind's book Let's kill all the Belgians: a child's guide to genocide at the Mysterious Edwin Drood's Column

Danny Wind's book Let's kill all the Belgians: a child's guide to genocide
is available from Not for the squeamish.

See also his blog, with links to his other writings.

Read Jonathan Swift’s A MODEST PROPOSAL for preventing the children of poor people
in Ireland from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them
beneficial to the publick
, published in 1729. At
Edwin Drood's Column, the blog by The Mysterious Edwin Drood,

at My Favourite Planet Blogs.

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